What Happened Since January: Losing Track of Time

The world really just circling round and around non-stop, he just vibing alone and carry on his job without minding human's business. 

And that's how the time flies.. I do feel a little bit out of track.

Here I am now being able to finally going home after a dedicated two months since the New Year euphoria, working relentlessly. I know two months is not that long, but  I am just 80 miles away from home which I actually very possible for me to go home once a week. But with the hustle bustle slash being a busy career women (lol), going home wasn't in my top priority (My Mom would be so sad reading this).

Yes, so much happened, so many things did change. 

2021 is the year that I must admit : I love working!, I love staying as late as possible! I love not expanding my social circle! Gosh, it's really not the kind of self I signed up this year. But sometimes, we change not according to our own of self-improvement plan. And that's... scares me.

Going a little backward, I must say 2020 is the year where everything was about slowing down. And by slowing down, I found comfort. We all know when we encounter a cozy feeling in a particular space, it's a little bit hard to get up quickly.

And while I'm still in my own journey of discovering myself, my purpose and strength.. several things happened. A joy of discovering new things, unbreakable bond, uncover a strange feeling.

1. Not Being Able To Be 'Present'

3 months has passed by. Never once in these past month I feel fully conscious in what I have done.

Most of the time, I lost. 

When I should've pay full attention to a meeting, my soul is wandering around somewhere. When I suppose to listen attentively, my mind goes where all my worry gather. Mentally I just being somewhere not in the moment.

I know the solution is right before my eyes— writing down priorities, letting go worries, do yoga, practice breathing, learning mindfulness in a lot, lots of article and videos. But sometimes, I mistake taking a rest with being lazy. I couldn't finish an important task, and the days just went by. I lost time.

And for this time being, sadly saying that all I can do is just carrying on. Because sometimes all the best thing we can do is carrying on, without proper plan, or expected results. I guess there's always be a delight in doing it in my own pace, and getting familiar in this particular phase.

2. Finding That I Self-Sabotage Myself

Firstly, I thought isolating yourself when you're hurt was a good thing because you don't want to bring that negativity onto someone else. I thought not asking for help is a good sign that I can do anything by myself. I thought saying yes to every chance is another way of improving myself. I thought giving myself self-reward is the important part of self love. Until I discover that those actions is perceived as self-sabotage.

How come? Even trying to be perfect is a positive state of mind. Perfect at work, perfect in society, perfect in online-presence.

But at the end of the day, I lost myself.

I want to excel at my work by staying all night. But would that affect my health? I want to rest and self reward myself every time I did a good job, but am I spoiling myself too much? I want to give, give and give. But then, what's left for me?

Right now I am thinking that those are just my coping mechanism of the harsh reality I'm facing— a decision taken as an attempt to protect myself because the brain perceives a threat.

I guess some re-arranging session, lots of getting-deeper-in-thought session is very much needed. I hope you too can sink into your soul, looking deep down into the unforeseen hope you want to discover, resting your head amicably in the balance of self and society.

As I quoted for a stranger in Twitter,

"The greatest people are the people who are the hardest on themselves, who display many of these 'bad' traits. They live in constant pain, but that pain is also their blessing, where all the beauty they create comes from"

We will get better in time.

3. Discovering Billie Marten

Oh yes, finally a happy news! In the world full of chaos, we will always find serendipity. Billie Marten is my happy encounter. I always have the urge to discover as many artists as possible, that fits into my kind of aesthetic playlist.

She is a is a British singer-songwriter and musician from Ripon in North Yorkshire. But most of the time when I fully drowning into someone's art, I didn't pay attention about the man behind. But she wrote every lyrics in a lovely yet fragile way, turning worry and fragility into a delicate art. It's like she asked us to worry about life in the calmest state of mind.

An excerpt from her La Lune lyrics,

"Swallow me whole with the moon on my back
One side is pink and the other is black
I'm good at hiding in the dead and grey
But time after time, I've been people I'm not
Places we go to are all that we've got"

And from her I learned, why worry with chaos when we can worry delicately?

4. Melancholic Soul, Uniting As One

Hey, what's better than having the other version of ourselves in a form of sister? I mean, sister from another mister. I know her just in the last one year, but the magic of understanding someone's characteristic is magical. 

We hate being in a crowded place. We enjoy the solitude of being sad. We love being vulnerable.

Well that's just how much I can say, because I already wrote two long love-letters to her this year. Still experience the intensity of our friendship, while discover each other weaknesses and going through up and downs together. Say yes to me, Mba Anggi, if you read this?

5. A Sudden Boost of Self Confidence

I want to dedicate this sudden boost of confidence to my team, who always believe that there's no limit in being amazing. Even if I did a small accomplishment, they said it's amazing. But it doesn't make me arrogant, strangely. The way they lift me up is like no team ever— I always strive to be the best and the best everyday thanks to them.

The girl who once thought that leading a project is scary. The girl who hates being in the center of attention. The girl who always scared in doing something big.

The girl is slowly changing.

—

Even if I lost track of time, I still can have high self-awareness in finding what blocks me and what push me to be the best version of myself— though it's a never ending journey. And you too, as you read this.. the best will come as many unsettled feeling bothers, a hindrance come and go, and also lots of finger crossed moment needed.

Thank you, January, February, March 🌟