The Case of Being Duplicitous, A Mirrorball.
Tell me.
When was the exact moment in your life that made you realize you were no longer a teenager? Or, when was the last time you felt like... you?
♫ I want you to know I'm a mirrorball I can change everything about me to fit in ♫
Mine was: I felt so alive when I was 20 years old, 7 years ago. College was fun, and finally I have real friends after the highschool drama and even had the most memorable heartbreak that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Even heartbreak sounds fun at that time. After graduation, I felt like I lost my youth.
My college friends and housemates are my constant companions. 24/7 a day. A week. Full month.
The toxic relationship that I blindly enjoy
The never-ending cafe hopping, with people talking about everything until the sun comes up.
The sleepovers, the road trips, and the careless decision.
The funny thing is, there are INFP traits are sticking to me just too deeply. I feel like, as an INFP, my weakness is that sometimes I have unrealistic expectations of myself, and that leads me to possess another character that isn't me—to please everyone.
There, I'm making a series of crazy decisions, but at the same time, I didn't go all out to give myself happiness. I held back my own happiness for the sake of others' happiness. I held my emotions back for the sake of not sparking conflict, and wow, the effect of those actions carried over to the 27-year-old version of me.
I should've partied hard, I should've dated a lot, I should've made a lot more friends, I should've been a social butterfly, and there are a lot of things I should've been holding onto up until now. Missing a lot of opportunities when I was young enough to do that left me with regrets. Then now, where do I find that kind of freedom?
Turning 21, subsequently making me feel numb and empty. Is it because I already lost my freedom, is it because I have a lot to hold behind my past, or is it just the amount of responsibility I have to face?
Reinventing myself at the end of the year is becoming an annual tradition. New year, new me—nonsense. Deep down, I know I'm still the same old, bitter me after that watershed moment.
Partying, doing road trips, solo traveling, fangirling, breaking down—I feel like the idea of being an adult is going beyond those activities. I am neither wise, clear-sighted, mindful, well-carried, nor emotionally stable. Some of my peers my age have successfully possessed or at the very least acted like they possess those characteristics, but I am not even close. I have a lot of different versions that I'm not very familiar with.
But to be vulnerably honest, what the hell am I?
I know there are people like me out there who are always sorry for being awkwardly sad and who sometimes believe they don't belong to anyone, instead they belong to the leap days that didn't happen. Oh, to be confident is our dream, but what to expect when fear consumes us like this?
♫ I'm still a believer, but I don't know why. I've never been a natural; all I do is try, try, try ♫
As a believer and unrealistic INFP, I have a talent for self-expression. I often reveal my innermost thoughts and secrets through metaphors and fictional characters—including songs. So, if you are listening to Taylor Swift and you are duplicitous and a shapeshifter trying to please everyone, maybe you're a Mirrorball character. Let me break it down for you, because Taylor once said:
"We have mirrorballs in the middle of a dance floor because they reflect light; they are broken a million times, and that's what makes them so shiny. We have people like that in society too. They hang there, and everytime they break it entertains us. And when you shine a light on them, it’s this glittering, fantastic thing. But then a lot of the time when the spotlight isn’t on them, they’re just still there, up on a pedestal, but nobody is watching them".
And..
"Everybody feels like they have to be on for certain people, you have to be different versions of yourself for different people, different version at work, a different version around friends, a different version around different friends, a different version of yourself around family".
— Taylor Swift on Mirrorball, source.
So, how many moment of breaking down you have and it entertained people by doing so? That's us, mirrorballs. The broken million pieces are our different selves trying to shapeshift, fit in, and please. Exhausting and consuming.
But on the contrary, Mirrorball do have weaknesses that become strengths. Being empathetic while at the same time trying to please everyone is the contradiction. The idea of hurting someone's feelings makes us cautious of our actions, which leads us to be awkward. Even me being sad is awkward; that's always been funny to me.
♫ Hush
I know they said the end is near But I'm still on my tallest tiptoes Spinning in my highest heels, love Shining just for you ♫
Or maybe just for myself?
There is a mirroball in every one of us. Being a mirrorball means we possess the beauty of being shiny yet fragile. The two contrast trait that somehow makes us... fun to look at. We're all doing our best to be the human version of Mirrorball.
♫ Because I'm a mirrorball I'm a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself, tonight ♫
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