First Quarter of 2020 : About Disconnecting and Having Slow Living Life
I wonder how slow my life right now from one to ten, because now I am able to make coffee every morning. The cafe latte that woken up my eyes and brushes away the inevitable, crowded midnight thoughts. I have never felt this way for a while, or a little too while. I've been in several trials of disconnecting myself from the hustle, only to be back again with the same living pattern. It's not like I have no intention to live in a slower pace, but my job requires my whole body to respond in a quick, panicky way. Or maybe, all jobs in this digital era require our mind to be busy, to hustle, to connect with as many individuals as possible. Technology is supposed to make everything more efficient. But ironically, we are close to the idea of a more efficient life but only to have it in a complicated way.
For me, it is not always about the job. There is something inside me that forced myself to open social media every minute. The aesthetic and poetic persona I made for the past few years finally get validation from others through my social media. I'm beyond happy, but also burdened. It makes me think that I have to earnestly making effortless aesthetic content for Instagram. Day by day, I crave for more validation, and I know deep down it will never be enough to feed my ego. Other than my ego issue, I also desperate for news in the middle of this pandemic. How is everything going, how our government handle everything, and watch netizen start to lose their mind because of the loneliness in doing social distancing. Honestly saying, I shamelessly crave for attention too. When I'm on this phase, I usually have the urge to make 'forced' content like dumb and nonsense tweets, make instagram content that is not 'me' (it is usually not aesthetically pleasing and I'd just deleted it after), and the peak is... driving myself back to the past, obviously only to start playing my 'faire le deuil' playlist on spotify and sobbing out of despair for no reason.
It was the night before Good Friday. I was deeply thinking about how saddening it is for those who supposed to gather and solemnly pray, but the unfortunate event inhibit them to go to the church. Then too many bad news started to flood my mind, makes me overwhelmed for the first time in 2020. This is a palpable reason and I bet everyone felt this way too. Then I decided to take a break, to unplug myself from online consumptions, to have my sense back since I have three days off before my mind start to have marathon again with the real world in the next week. It was funny to me. I used to love being 'disappeared' only to get attention from my loved ones. Yes, I crave for their attention, I enjoyed to be 'found' when I disappear. But now, I disappear for my own good without hoping anyone looking for me and worried about me. I did hope my Mom won't freak out because she couldn't reach me for three days.
My daily routinity was like heaven. I suddenly can breathe properly. I did activities that I found really lame : eating vitamins, cooking, doing my own laundry and workout. I cooked and made several recipe, mostly were homemade Javanese meals. I never expected my cooking skill to be this good in three weeks. I followed Jennifer Bachdim's workout vlog and enjoyed the pain of Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness (DOMS) for 2 consecutive nights (it was actually painful in a good way). The fact that I was able to enjoy things I used to say no to makes me feel liberated. I can do everything even when I said no to it before. I realize life starts to become more challenging as I said no to many things (or should I said 'no' more?).
Other than having to deal with being present in the digital era, I think it is more difficult to handle loneliness. It's not like I can't enjoy being alone—because I have been doing many alone time. Being disconnected with the online world means we have to deal with the sudden mood change when you have no access to the temporary remedy of loneliness. When you compromised to yourself not to open social media, you are holding yourself back from craving some news and updates. But to think it differently, I think it's also a good time for you to find yourself, without too much noises.
It is not an obligation to us to always present in the online platform because you are absolutely allowed to rest, especially in the middle of this unfortunate event. This year has started with unfortunate news from all over the world, punches our mind here and there. But it depends to us whether we want to focus on the bad news, or we can also search for the good news, or being completely disconnected from it at all for a while. When you are alone and there is no sound around, when you're having less pressure, try to listen to your mind. And I hope everyone have the courage to have peace with their mind, because this too shall pass. Let's come back stronger. Happy Sunday!
 |
| First beach of 2020, before social distancing myself for a whole month in March. |
For me, it is not always about the job. There is something inside me that forced myself to open social media every minute. The aesthetic and poetic persona I made for the past few years finally get validation from others through my social media. I'm beyond happy, but also burdened. It makes me think that I have to earnestly making effortless aesthetic content for Instagram. Day by day, I crave for more validation, and I know deep down it will never be enough to feed my ego. Other than my ego issue, I also desperate for news in the middle of this pandemic. How is everything going, how our government handle everything, and watch netizen start to lose their mind because of the loneliness in doing social distancing. Honestly saying, I shamelessly crave for attention too. When I'm on this phase, I usually have the urge to make 'forced' content like dumb and nonsense tweets, make instagram content that is not 'me' (it is usually not aesthetically pleasing and I'd just deleted it after), and the peak is... driving myself back to the past, obviously only to start playing my 'faire le deuil' playlist on spotify and sobbing out of despair for no reason.
 |
| Missing flowers and beach |
It was the night before Good Friday. I was deeply thinking about how saddening it is for those who supposed to gather and solemnly pray, but the unfortunate event inhibit them to go to the church. Then too many bad news started to flood my mind, makes me overwhelmed for the first time in 2020. This is a palpable reason and I bet everyone felt this way too. Then I decided to take a break, to unplug myself from online consumptions, to have my sense back since I have three days off before my mind start to have marathon again with the real world in the next week. It was funny to me. I used to love being 'disappeared' only to get attention from my loved ones. Yes, I crave for their attention, I enjoyed to be 'found' when I disappear. But now, I disappear for my own good without hoping anyone looking for me and worried about me. I did hope my Mom won't freak out because she couldn't reach me for three days.
My daily routinity was like heaven. I suddenly can breathe properly. I did activities that I found really lame : eating vitamins, cooking, doing my own laundry and workout. I cooked and made several recipe, mostly were homemade Javanese meals. I never expected my cooking skill to be this good in three weeks. I followed Jennifer Bachdim's workout vlog and enjoyed the pain of Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness (DOMS) for 2 consecutive nights (it was actually painful in a good way). The fact that I was able to enjoy things I used to say no to makes me feel liberated. I can do everything even when I said no to it before. I realize life starts to become more challenging as I said no to many things (or should I said 'no' more?).
Other than having to deal with being present in the digital era, I think it is more difficult to handle loneliness. It's not like I can't enjoy being alone—because I have been doing many alone time. Being disconnected with the online world means we have to deal with the sudden mood change when you have no access to the temporary remedy of loneliness. When you compromised to yourself not to open social media, you are holding yourself back from craving some news and updates. But to think it differently, I think it's also a good time for you to find yourself, without too much noises.
It is not an obligation to us to always present in the online platform because you are absolutely allowed to rest, especially in the middle of this unfortunate event. This year has started with unfortunate news from all over the world, punches our mind here and there. But it depends to us whether we want to focus on the bad news, or we can also search for the good news, or being completely disconnected from it at all for a while. When you are alone and there is no sound around, when you're having less pressure, try to listen to your mind. And I hope everyone have the courage to have peace with their mind, because this too shall pass. Let's come back stronger. Happy Sunday!
Sending you a virtual hug! love you ♥️
ReplyDelete